I didn't eat it!

Insert Foot In Mouth!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment
with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall,
handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on,
way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired
man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have
been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked
him if he had attended northmont high school.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

I was in your class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old man
asked, 'what did you teach?'

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 10)

1) Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

2) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

3) Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

4) Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

5) Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

6) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

7) That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

8) Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

9) Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

10) Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Lion Stalks Giraffe

The Funniest Story in The World

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what the devil is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 9)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

1) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

2) Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

3) Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

4) Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

5) Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

6) George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

7) I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

8) Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

9) Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

10) All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Funny Cheese Commercial

Vibrating Chair

OOPS - Good Job Officer Brilliant

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Dirty Mind

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 8)

1) Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

2) I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

3) If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

4) I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

5) I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

6) I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

7) Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

8) It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

9)There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

10) One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"


Be Careful Who You Burglarize

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 7)

1) I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

2) I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

3) Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

4) Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

5) There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

6) Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

7)Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

8) Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

9) If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

10) When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!"

Wifes Pad

The 11 Years Old stinker!!!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 years old next door...

..., whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.

'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ..... In case I need to fix it again?'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

Funny Cat

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 6)

1) I bet you I could stop gambling.

2) I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

3) I can't get enough minimalism.

4) I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

5) Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

6) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

7) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

8) If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

9) The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

10) Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Environmental Impact On Dogs

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 5)

1) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

2) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

3) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

4) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

5) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

6) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

7) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

8) The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

9) Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

10) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Exercise Needs Motivation

Good motivation :)

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 4)

1) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

2) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

3) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

4) A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

5) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

6) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

7) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

8) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

9) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

The Biggest Lie Ever

Do you agree??? ^_^

Get A Zoo Job

One day an out of work John is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the John that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers John a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The John accepts.

So the next morning John puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a John. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives John a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, John keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. John is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. John is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, John starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. John soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 3)

1) If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

2) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

3) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

4) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

5) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

6) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

7) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

8) Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

9) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

10) Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Super Granny

Well done, super granny :)

ATM machines

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

How To Make Child Sleep

Wedding Rings :)

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 2)

1) We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

2) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

3) War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

4) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

5) Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

7) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8) My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

9) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10) Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before & After The Wedding

Before - You take my breath away

After - I feel like I'm suffocating

Before - Twice a night

After - Twice a month

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation

After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

Before - Saturday Night Fever

After - Monday Night Football

Before - Don't stop

After - Don't start

Before - Is that all you're having?

After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before - It's like I'm living in a dream

After - It's like he lives in a dorm

Before - $60/doz.

After - $1.50/stem

Before - Turbocharged

After - Jump-start

Before - We agree on everything

After - We can't agree on anything

Before - Victoria's Secret

After - Fruit-of-the-Loom

Before - Idol

After - Idle

Before - He's completely lost without me

After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Time stood still

After - Where did the time go?

Before - Croissant and cappuccino

After - Bagel and instant

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other

After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Before - Passion

After - Ration

Sorry, honey...

Courtroom Quotations (Part 1)

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

My Office Bag

10 Funny One Liners 4 U (Part 1)

1) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

6) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7) Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

9) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10) If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Formal Apology Form

Minor Earthquake

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good- looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and fool around with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you!!!